I was excited when Luke Stansfield over at Finance and Forever pitched this guest post idea to me. As a soon-to-be newlywed, I’ll take all the insight I can get about dealing with finances in marriage. I hope you’ll enjoy Luke’s post as much I as I did.
After countless hours of planning, taste testing, dress shopping, tux renting, invite sending, flower picking, and rehearsal dinner-ing the Big Day finally comes. Vows are exchanged, a kiss is shared, and family, friends, faith, and fun fill the atmosphere. Happily ever after, right? Perhaps, but many newlyweds blissfully fail to acknowledge another “F” word that could make or break the quality of their marriage. And, no, it’s not the one you are thinking of… 😉
Finances.
Couples’ attitudes about finances have been a CRITICAL determining factor in their level of marriage satisfaction. Don’t believe me? Check out this study published in the Forum for Family and Consumer Issues. Or this one, led by researchers at Kansas State University. Many young married couples dream and plan for job satisfaction, home ownership, family vacations, and early retirement. But when it comes to action, they fall short.
Coming together financially isn’t as simple as “get on the same page” or “save more money” or “talk about any big or out of the ordinary purchases.” If you want to avoid the problems associated with financial issues, yes, talk to your spouse about their dreams. Get on the same page. But don’t stop there. Talk about the steps you are both going to take reach them together. Financial freedom is a continuous process but the following actions items will really get the ball rolling between you and your spouse.
Have “The Talk”…the Right Way
Communicating well is one of the biggest challenges for married couples. Even though we both speak English, I sometimes think my wife and I could use a translator.
Communicating about your financial past may seem hard. But believe me, each of you will have plenty to say. For my wife and I, the most influential factor in our attitudes about money came from our parents. I love my parents very much, and in most ways I wouldn’t change a thing about my upbringing. Money management is an exception. Much of my formative years were spent knowing that we were in trouble financially. On top of that, my parents struggled to communicate well and didn’t ever really talk about how to fix things. So for step number one, set aside time to sit down with your spouse and share with one another how your upbringing has affected your current attitudes about money because I’m sure most of you heard something along the lines of “your thoughts and attitudes direct your actions.” This couldn’t be more true when it comes to finances and your marriage
Be an Open Book
In your conversation about your attitudes about money, I’m willing to bet at least one of you shared something about your finances that the other did not know. This is great! Find a way to put all things finance in front of you so you can see where you guys stand. This includes any kind of debt or outstanding loans–pretty much anything in your name and a dollar value assigned to it. Although you may not feel keen on showcasing your mistakes, it is for the best in the long run. Shine the light on your financial F-ups so that you can focus on fixing them rather than ignoring them as they worsen.
Now that you have everything in front of you, it’s time to combine whatever you can, or at least be totally transparent about your spending. As a married couple, your lives have now melded into one. Same goes for your finances. Start with your checking accounts. It keeps you both accountable. Knowing that whatever you decide to purchase will be visible to your spouse may cause you to think twice before an impulse buy.
Automate Everything
My favorite part…take your mind off your money by automating your bill pay. Set all your bills to automatic withdrawal from your bank account, debit, or credit card. You won’t ever have to worry about late fees again and it frees up mental ram to come up with fun and inexpensive date ideas.
Dream!
Like it or not, money will always play a huge role in how you live your life. But know that you can overcome the negative mental scripts you and your partner have about money. Know that honoring your father and mother can begin by breaking the cycle and learning from their mistakes rather than mirroring them. Know that that you can merge bank accounts and still enjoy your own spending money. Know that debt, student loans, car payments and other financial strains can be overcome in order to reach financial independence.
It doesn’t take an IQ of 200, Harvard MBA, or 15 years of experience on Wall Street to make sound investment decisions. Together you can afford retire, travel, take stress-free vacations, and spend quality time with children well before age 60. The momentum you need to reach your dream marriage starts when you and your spouse say, “yes” your financial plan together so that your fairytale beginning will be followed by a joyful and fulfilling journey that ends even better than it began.
Photo credit: Olessya
Great post Luke!
I didn’t really get financially savvy until recently. When it came to finances my wife and I did the bare minimum in paying our bills, saving what we could, and spend the rest of it however we wanted. Talking about finances just seemed so boring and stressful that we avoided going over our budget and planning ahead.
When our daughter was born everything changed. We started to look at the bigger picture in the future and began to think about retiring, college, and saving for vacations. We then began to have more open conversations about our money and what we needed to do to achieve those goals. Once you put it in that perspective saving money and planning ahead is a lot easier.
Good luck in your upcoming wedding and marriage Kristin!
Thanks, Vic! I’ve got a post coming up about getting on the same financial page in my own relationship, too 🙂
Thanks Vic! I couldn’t agree more about being open in your communication with your spouse…one of the hardest but one of the most beneficial things you can do!
I have now been married for 27 years (how the heck did I get this old?). My husband and I talked every subject to death before we got married, including finances. Some stuff still comes to light afterward…and like Luke said, most of it is upbringing. We were totally on the same page until things started breaking. My husband grew up in a family where when things broke there was enough money to fix it and you just fixed it. My family, sometimes we had to do without until there was money. So, even though we had talked about staying out of debt it never occured to him that you wouldn’t replace something that broke right away because there had never ever been that kind of discussion in his house growing up. The first time this happened it was a very “loud discussion”. There was a lot of back and forth and empathy was needed. The good news is we learned to even better communicate and that helped further on down the line when we had life altering medical bills to deal with. So newlyweds, just know that the financial discussions will be a continuous presence in your life. You are never done talking about money.
Thanks for sharing your experience and advice, AMW!
AMW, although I haven’t been married quite that long I know how difficult those “loud conversations” can be. It is also so encouraging to hear how you both learned from those temporarily painful discussions to handle things better in the future.
I think one of the most important things to remember about finances and forever is that people (including you and including your spouse) change. Getting on the same page is one thing, but staying on the same page is an ongoing process. Old goals can fall by the wayside, new goals can come up; it’s what makes life and marriage so awesome.
If you’re too addicted to “the plan” that you make when you’re first married, you shouldn’t be too surprised if you end up fighting quite a lot about money just 6-12 months later because in just 6-12 months you can change a lot.
Excellent point. Hell, some of my own money philosophies have changed a bit in the past year or so, so this makes a lot of sense. I think this is good advice in general, too: change happens, so be prepared to adapt.
Hannah I think that is a great point. It is like @Vic mentioned in the first comment, thinking about having a baby, retirement, college, etc. can really change your current plans. And of course there are always the unexpected circumstances and expenses.
Great points! One of the best things that happened before we got married was going to a pre-marital seminar thing where they provided us questions to talk to each other about…which included finances. Many couples don’t talk about money before…and even after marriage which is often the biggest reason which causes them to separate. But like Hannah mentioned…it’s not just a one time discussion…it’s an ongoing one. That’s something my and I have to work better on…to continue that dialogue. And automation…it is wonderful…save so much time, money and stress.
YESSSS !!!! Great Article/Blog Post About finances and marriage or engaged. Well, I know we all know that 95-99% of all divorces were because of financial issues. Haaa…. and the recent divorced couple are still in debt from the “Big Wedding” and neither one of them can move out because of finances !!!! Finances Is A Very Huge Deal !!!!!!! Yes, it is very un-romantic to try to find out if he/she is in debt and if so how much? , and to find out that your boyfriend or girlfriend has $60,000 in debt what do you now ??? Poof, disappear like Casper the Ghost !!!! What really got me thinking was from Oprah’s Debt Diet, 4-5 special episodes, I saw the dvd’s at the library and I checked it out… I couldn’t believe these “Married Couples” were doing !!! Being on the same page is Everything !!!! Same wave length, same channel, one wife forged her husbands signature to get a new BMW from the dealership, and when she got home, it was a big surprise !!! Guess what I got, a $60,000 brand new BMW !!! oh snap, I would’ve returned, filed a criminal lawsuit and filed for divorce that same day !!!! I couldn’t believe what she had done…. yeah…. this couple and 3 others… I was like, whoa… you have to know exactly what kind of person you want to fall in love with, I know it’s tough to try to see the red flags when you’re in love… I know !!! you just have to make sure that the relationship you’re in is financially sound, if not, is he/she trying their best to become debt free ??? or does he/she still buys everything and anything without any financial plan… oh yeah, I was then saw another dvd, something about credit and debt, a popular documentary… where a 60 year old mother committed suicide because she knew that her husband for 45 years was going to receive the once a year free credit report; (she committed suicide because of what the husband will see on the credit report), she was living a double life !!! I was absolutely shocked when I heard this, married for 45 years !!!! she drove the car down a ramp into the Mississippi River….. I was like, whoa…. These days, you must know who you are getting married to… check credit report, criminal record, driving record, the whole shabang….. yes, I know it’s not the first thing you talk about on the 1st date, but, you must know what kind of financial situation you’re getting self into when you finally get the marriage license from the court house. Now I’m putting into the heading of my Plenty of Fish adn OkCupid Free Dating Sites is “Seeking Beautiful Dave Ramsey Graduate!!!” if not, I would sign both of us into a Dave Ramsey Financial Peace Class, so we make sure that we’re on the same page financially and to work out the misc debts before getting officially married….. Whoooo…. that was something else humh ??? I just had to say something real, when it comes to finances and marriage and dating and engaged. If you don’t know about Oprah’s Debt Diet, check it out, check your local library, most likely they will have the dvd collection and also take a Dave Ramsey Financial Peace Class, they have classes in your city !!! I guarantee it… it will save your life, your marriage and your relationship if you’re not already married…. much love everyone !!! I feel like I know each and every one of you !!!! Oscar
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