Last week, I made the most impulsive, mindless spending decision I’ve made in a while. And I regretted it almost immediately. I plopped down $1,500 on a dress. Final sale.
To be fair, it was a wedding dress, and wedding dresses are expensive. On the other hand, they don’t have to be. When I got engaged, I told myself, “I refuse to spend a lot of money on my dress.” It was a very conscious decision. (By the way, I have zero judgment for anyone who DOES spend a lot on a dress. Money is just a tool, and we all use it differently).
Ditching Your Spending Plan: How It Happens
I’ve approached my wedding the same way I approach my budget: spend lavishly on the stuff I love, then mercilessly cut back on everything else. So my fiance and I agreed on and prioritized the expenses that mattered to us most. When I went to try on dresses, all of that went out the window. “You have to make a decision soon,” the salesperson said. “Or your dress won’t come in time.” It would’ve been one thing if I saw the dress, knew it was expensive, then gave it considerable thought and declared, “You know what? I’m changing my budget to make room for this kick-ass, gorgeous dress.” It’s less about the money and more about owning your own spending decisions. But I just handed over my credit card, scared and unsure.
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Money is hard. You can read all the books you want, automate your accounts, make a solid budget–all the rules in the world can’t help when it’s just you and a Zac Posen dress, and you’re slowly nodding while the salesperson says this is an excellent decision. The bottom line: it didn’t feel like MY decision. Don’t get me wrong, I have no one to blame but myself. It doesn’t help to dwell on that, but it’s very helpful to understand exactly how we experience buyer’s remorse and what we can do about it.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining…
I went through a minor version of the classic “five stages of grief” over this purchase.
After I left the store, I kept telling myself, “The salespeople were right. This is a good decision. I really love this dress. It’s great.” I found it hard to focus, though. I kept telling myself it was fine. It wasn’t a big deal. I had the money for it. Something wasn’t sitting right, though. I was in denial that I let someone else decide what I should do with my money.
Once I couldn’t shake the feeling, I got angry. I blamed the salespeople, but really, they were just doing their jobs. Then, I started bargaining. “People spend a lot more than that on wedding dresses,” I thought. I even told myself, “Maybe I can wear it again.” Wear it again–I actually told myself that! Can you imagine?
FRIEND: What’s with the outfit?
ME: Oh, I just wanted to get more use out of my wedding dress.
FRIEND: Bit much for brunch, but okay.
After the bargaining and the anger, I got really bummed out. I found it hard to work. I couldn’t focus. After a while, though, I came to accept it. I felt duped. It hurt, but it happened, and I had to make peace with it so I could move on and get back to work. Making peace doesn’t mean giving up, though. But doing something about my financial mistake meant accepting it in the first place.
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Come Up With a Plan
Once I came back to reality and got my emotions in check, I thought about the situation practically. I thought about my options and made a list of them:
• Ask if I can get a refund if they haven’t submitted the order yet
• Try to talk to a manager and explain my situation
• Email their corporate office and ask for help
• Ask for store credit to use on other wedding stuff
It took some work, but eventually, I got a refund. After you’ve accepted the fact that your spending got out of control, the key is to regain control. And that means putting your emotions aside and coming up with a practical plan. It helps to ask yourself what steps (even small steps) you can take to put yourself back in a position of control. If it doesn’t work, all you can do is learn your lesson and move on.
Find Your Lesson, Make Some Rules
It’s hard not to dwell on our mistakes, but keep this in mind: dwelling on your money mistakes means you’ll probably repeat them. In a study published in the Journal of Consumer Psychology, researchers told subjects to spend money on an imaginary trip to the mall. Before deciding how much to spend, some of the subjects were asked to remember a financial mistake. Interestingly, those subjects were more likely to overspend and rack up debt:
Perhaps the most surprising, Haws said, is that searching through the past can negatively affect behavior, depending on the ease of recall, even when past examples are positive…Instead of dwelling on the past, Haws said, her research into behavior suggests that setting goals for the future can positively change present behavior…In short, if we want to have better self-control, “Look forward,” Haws says. “Don’t look back.”
Money has so much to do with mindset. When you feel like you suck at money anyway, you’re more likely to make bad decisions. On the other hand, it does help to analyze your mistake for the purpose of extracting a lesson. I took a long, hard look at my buyer’s remorse and came up with two important rules for the future:
Don’t let someone else pick my spending priorities: It may not be a popular opinion, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with spending $1,500 on a dress or $3,000 on catering or $500 on a cake, if that’s important to you. Like I’ve said before, if you’re saving enough for the future and saving to make your dreams a reality, who cares how you spend your money? My problem was, I let someone else determine the priorities I’d already made. For me, buyer’s remorse is less about the money and more about not being in charge of my own decisions.
Come up with a specific spending threshold. When I went into the dress shop, they asked me how much I wanted to spend and I was like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ because I had no idea what the price ranges were. So when I asked to see cheaper dresses, they told me “oh we probably don’t have those.” Shady, yes, but they probably wouldn’t have done it if I’d have said, “I’m not spending more than $500 on a dress.”
In the end, it goes back to mindful spending. We work hard for our money, and it takes discipline to budget and prioritize our spending. It’s no wonder we feel remorse when we let someone come in and screw it all up. For me, the best way to cope with buyer’s remorse is to accept it, then come up with a plan to put myself back in charge of my money.
Managing your money is like going to the dentist or standing in line at the DMV. Nobody wants to do it, but at some point, it’s inevitable: you need to clean your teeth, renew your license, and manage your money like a grown-up.
Good for you for taking charge of the situation. You don’t want to be standing at the altar and thinking about how you spent more than you wanted on the gown you’re wearing. Weddings are tough with all the societal and family expectations as well as the myriad of things to spend on. But they can be done reasonably. I’m so glad you were able to undo your purchase and focus on the future.
Thanks, Gary! Yep, I want to wear that dress knowing it was 100% my decision.
Buying a wedding dress is hard because the sales people are generally pretty pushy. If you haven’t found a new dress yet, I got a really good deal on mine by buying a sample at a store that was about to discontinue carrying the designer. I paid $550 for an $1100 Nicole Miller dress. If it makes you feel any better, even with the good price, I still questioned my dress choice up until my wedding day. It didn’t have to do with the money, it was more just stress wedding thing. You can also look for a used dress online, there is a huge market for that.
I’m so naive. I had no idea the salespeople were going to be THAT pushy. I mean, it was like car salesman-level pushiness. Great suggestions–thank you!
Really insightful post on what was going on in your head, it’s really really really hard to 1) realize this 2) write about it. Glad to hear it was a good outcome overall…
Salespeople can be really good at their jobs. 🙂
Thanks, Jim! Haha, yes they are.
Glad you were able to get a refund. I can be susceptible to pushy salespeople and they’re pretty good at selling, especially for a wedding where they can play on the consumer’s emotions. Not sure if it was true or not, but sales people always seem to like to make the decision urgent so you don’t have time to rationally think it over. When my wife and I were planning the wedding, it was interesting to see how the vendor’s eyes would light up when they heard the word wedding as if that meant the price could go up too. Very interesting that dwelling on a past mistakes makes you more likely to repeat it…I’d assume it would be the opposite since you’d be more cognizant not to repeat it.
I know, I thought the same thing re: past mistakes. I think a lot of it is the mentality of, “well, I’ve already screwed up, so what’s the point?” It seems particularly easy to think that way with managing money. It’s so overwhelming and so easy to just give up on it.
Wedding expenses are the worst. Clothes, ceremony, receptions, bachelor parties. Those costs can add up quick!
I’m a little better about this – but I usually know after making a purchase that I’ll regret it. Usually it’s a big ticket item like a video game or a jacket. I’ll bring it home and not open it for a day or two. If I change my mind I’ll return it. I’ll also make like J. Money and sell stuff on Craigslist soon after I bought it.
Fortunately, I’m pretty damn cheap these days so I overanalyze all my purchases so I don’t have much buyer’s remorse lately. My wife and I make it a point that any leftover money at the end of the month goes to some future purpose (vacation, retirement, college fund) so that usually encourages us to not spend money on crap.
I used to be pretty bad about it, but lately, I’ve been good at not spending impulsively. I was surprised at myself because this was a big one!
This was my first visit to your blog, and the frank honesty in this post about something everyone can relate to will keep me coming back for more. Thanks!
Ditto! I just signed up for your emails. Great writing, too 🙂
Awesome! Thanks to both. Your site looks great too!
Enjoyed this post tremendously, especially the lessons learned & what we can do about a financial mistake after making it! Sometimes, I get trapped in feeling bad & then don’t do anything about it. Your post gave practical tips on how to get our heads on straight & then move forward from there. Thanks so much!
Thanks, Charissa! I hear you–it’s so easy to get stuck in that trap. A little mindfulness works wonders 🙂
When I feel ugly (happens a few times a month), I go out and buy clothes or shoes or make-up! And the store attendants are sure enough there to reassure me that there are “several” items that would improve me. What I do now – I buy whatever I want and ask them how long I have to return something (mostly 90 days). So I go home and every week I look at the items and if I have not worn or used it, I put it back in it’s original shopping bag. I do this until its time is up for returns, then I take it back to the store and get a refund – BECAUSE THE APPEAL IS NO LONGER THERE and I felt better after a good night’s sleep or meeting up with some friends! Hopefully the credit card company doesn’t think I’m crazy …
Ha! I’ve been there. It took a while to blatantly admit that’s why I was spending so much on clothes I’d never wear. Once I admitted it, though, it was a lot easier to combat that emotional spending and put myself in check.
Well done, Kristin! I empathize with the sickening feeling of realizing you allowed someone to make a purchasing decision for you. I’ve experienced this a few times (clearly I need to look forward, not backward!) and arrived at the same conclusion — accepting my mistake and then figuring out how to regain control is key to moving on. I did this with my first smartphone purchase (and subsequent first smartphone return) and vowed not to let a talented salesperson schmooze me into spending more than I intend.
It happens! I’ve been talked into spending more than I want on a smartphone, too, especially back in the day when it wasn’t so easy to buy a phone online. That’s another advantage to shopping at your computer–no pushy salesperson 🙂
I just want to comment on the comments where people shop and purchase items when they believe they will be returning them. Shopping when you do not have the resources to make yourself feel better is something I understand but I think one may be better choosing another healthier option to deal with life. As someone who works in an industry effected by sales people don’t understand returning items hurts the people who work for the store. It’s not like the store is a big vague building there are people who work there just like you and when you return something it gets deducted from their paycheck and it also effects people who work in all kinds of areas besides the sales floor.
I actually just bought a wedding dress this past week and I had a strict budget. I have very expensive taste and I knew it would be some work to find something in my budget. I did have a good experience mostly because I researched the stores I went to beforehand. I learned about what their price ranges were and what designers they carried. If they didn’t have dresses in my budget I DIDN’T GO TO THE STORE! Also the sales people asked before we started “What’s your budget? Is that flexible? Remember you will have alterations.” Sales people if they know what they are doing want their customers to be happy and don’t want someone to do something irresponsible. Sales people can be pushy but the responsibility is yours which can be true for lots of things not just shopping. If the dress wasn’t in my budget I didn’t try it on. I visited 6 stores and I think after I found some options I think i could have tried on things I could never afford just for fun but seriously after a while I realized I didn’t enjoy dress shopping so when I found the one in my budget that was it I was done.
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